I’ve known her since college. ❤️
Back then, she was this tall, shining beacon of love and light whose smile just lit up a room and whose humor and wit just made you love her all the more.
As journalism majors, we spent hours together in copy editing classes and in college newspaper offices and volunteering inside a community of beautiful people with big hearts with big dreams to use their communications degrees to impact the world.
And that’s exactly what my beloved friend Katie Hiner did.
She followed college with law school, where she earned a degree that landed her a job in our nation’s capitol doing important work that, last year, earned her some of the highest honors in her agency.
And she did it while being the most amazing teammate and encourager of the sweetest and most hilarious man and raising two of the kindest and most compassionate kiddos anywhere around.
Her life was full.
Her plate was full.
But her heart, even so, was OPEN.
So open, in fact, that when she was nursing a 6-month-old baby nearly three years ago and stumbled upon the information of a 5-year-old little boy living in a healing home in China, her first response was not that of an apathetic onlooker viewing the heartbreaking story of yet another medical needs orphan in China but that of a mama bear, asking immediately what it would take to give that deserving boy a HOME.
At the time, this angel was living inside the healing home where our much-loved Mandarin tutor, mentor and friend had actually worked translating files and loving on kiddos during her year in China and who had personal insights into this beautiful boy whose “special need” was just a superpower in disguise.
But Katie’s youngest was just six months old.
To adopt from China, the youngest child in the home must be at least 3.
Which meant that the boy with the million dollar smile could not possibly be matched with this family for at least 2.5 more years.
That didn’t deter this fierce warrior friend of mine one iota.
So for the last two and a half years, Katie and her awesome husband have jumped feet first into the journey that would bring them to this boy they already loved.
They researched.
They joined support groups.
They made every contact possible to better understand this angel’s capabilities, restrictions and needs so that they could begin equipping themselves for a life with a boy in a wheelchair.
And this fall, when their youngest daughter turned 3, they completed all the final paperwork and homestudy visits to bring the angel whose file had finally been prepared in China HOME.
Only to be told by well-respected social workers last week that, because of multiple factors, including the out-of-birth order ages of their other children and the unknown needs of a child with hydrocephalus, they could absolutely be approved and strongly recommended as an adoptive family …
… but not as an adoptive family for this child.
The child they’ve prayed over for 2.5 years.
The child whose picture their children already love and adore.
The child who, this month, with an adoption agency contract signed and a homestudy completed and just waiting approval, they took THIS PICTURE with on the mountaintop that anchors their family’s story.
Orphan Warriors, we call out warriors to RUN nearly every day.
But we have NEVER seen a family sign up for the 2.5-year marathon and commit every minute of the way like this one.
And we have never seen a family so loving, so stable, so committed, so totally and completely invested and informed and educated be turned away from a child who, now at age 8 and with a condition that affects his brain, will likely not have a long line of champions like Katie knocking down his file door.
Orphan Warriors, with the door now closed to Katie’s family, we are now turning to you.
This gorgeous girl with the hugest heart ran at break-neck speed to the boy we all know is a TREASURE and who we have more information about than almost any other child we have ever advocated for!
But the race can no longer be hers. And we are turning to YOU.
There is now an 8-year-old boy living not in a healing home but back in an institution in China who deserves more than anything the basic human right of FAMILY … and who can’t have the one he never even knew committed the last nearly three years of life to being his.
THIS is his story, told through the eyes and voice of a woman who loves this child exactly as her own.
And we are asking YOU, Orphan Warriors, to do this thing that all of us have been too distracted and exhausted and overwhelmed to do well this year. And that’s SHARE.
ADVOCATE.
TELL THIS PRECIOUS BOY’S STORY.
Because we all know that SHARING his story could CHANGE IT.
Join Katie and the entire army of fans and cheerleaders and coaches and encouragers she’s gathered to change Mark’s story TODAY.
GUEST POST WRITTEN BY KATIE HINER
Mark* has a megawatt smile. His caretakers love him, and, by all accounts, he endears himself to everyone he meets. He has a great memory and I have seen video evidence of a strong side-eye game and a killer sense of humor. In a video taken at his previous healing home, Mark’s physical therapist, seeing him struggling to use a walker for the first time, tried to distract him by telling him to sing “Happy Birthday.” As Mark prepared to take his first step, he told the PT, “When there’s cake I’ll sing.”
Like I said, the kid’s got jokes. He will need that attitude to overcome the adversity he faces. He has some special needs, including hydrocephalus, that will require specialized care and ongoing monitoring and therapy. But what he needs most is a forever family. And that’s why I’m writing this.
The day I first saw his photo, I shared it and asked, “Whose day would not be improved with that smile in it?” Now I’m asking a different question, with all the love a parent’s heart can hold for this amazing kid. Will you race to be his family?
Mark is all that really matters in this story, but I didn’t think I’d ever ask another family to start this race. My husband and I have been running toward him for almost three years. We love him. We recently included Mark, by way of a framed picture, in a family portrait taken on the rock overlooking the Potomac River where my husband proposed. “No mountain too high, no river too wide,” we said.
That commitment now includes overcoming the grief of knowing we don’t get to cross the finish line; we don’t get to be the family to bring him home. Posting this publicly goes beyond our family’s typical comfort zone. But we would go all the way back to the start and do it again to be able to share about Mark and introduce him to an adoptive family that will recognize and nurture this sweet, funny, engaging little guy and walk with him through all that lies ahead.
Maybe some of you are veterans of special needs adoption and don’t need to hear anything else from me. Good. Close this tab and email your agency right away. His file is on the shared list. If you are already working with an adoption agency, that agency can go pull it for you without negotiating a transfer. I’m here if you need me.
Maybe some of you feel your heart strings tugging, but you are worried that you aren’t up for it, that you are too new to the world of international, potentially transracial, special needs adoption. This will be a bit of a marathon for you. That’s okay. Let me share how our family entered and trained for this race. It’s an endurance event, but you’ll have a head start.
As I mentioned, Mark endears himself to everyone. In our case, he did so when I came across his picture on Facebook while nursing a six-month-old baby in the middle of the night.
“I think that’s our son,” I told my husband.
This was a surprise to both of us. We had always planned to expand our family through adoption. We are “top fans” (according to the badge Facebook awarded me one day) of our dear friend Michelle’s “Of Capes and Combat Boots” blog, but we had mainly explored domestic foster care and adoption as our future path.
My dear, unflappable husband said, “Okay, Kate.” However, because our youngest was only a baby, it felt unlikely that I was right. In fact, we prayed that I was wrong, because China wouldn’t even consider us until our youngest was 3 years old. Surely, this effervescent boy would have a family before then.
Still, our feelings for him grew. We couldn’t believe it when Michelle said her kids’ tutor worked during a year in China at the healing home where Mark stayed. Regular readers of “Of Capes and Combat Boots” already know this, but I’d like to emphasize that, along this race, you will not find a better advocate, comforter, or straight up miracle-worker than Michelle. She won’t ever ask for a thing in return, but she has been known to accept coffee if you insist.
We reached out to Mark’s healing home to ask how we could help, but his file wasn’t ready and he wasn’t technically eligible for adoption yet. That’s when the possibility really settled in – files take a long time to prepare. We could both be ready at the same time.
On the way home from a family reunion, I told my husband that I thought of Mark all the time and wanted to make sure we were ready to move forward if he still needed a family. He said, “Okay, Kate.” With our babies sleeping in their car seats, I coherently, concisely, and calmly made my case that this was not just a fleeting feeling. We needed a real team effort to make it a reality.
Actually, I cried and wailed something about how I pack the bags and he makes them fit in the car and that’s how we work and that’s how this needs to be and I AM SO SERIOUS, JAMES. Maybe. Who can remember such details? The point is, the kids didn’t wake up and James looked at me and said, “Oh, okay. I misjudged your level of commitment. Yes, we can do that.”
So, we began our training plan in earnest in the fall of 2018.
Racers of any kind know that even “solo” sports are impossible without a team effort. Likewise, preparing for adoption requires a lot of a family, but you won’t face that challenge alone. You just need to start recruiting your team.
At first, it felt strange for me to say, “I’m in love with a kid across the world and I need your help.” But when I did, an army appeared before me. And I promise, they’ll appear for you, too.
As in any adoption, bringing Mark into your family will come with some unknowns. And some of those things might sound scary if you’ve never heard of them. For instance, a lot of people don’t know about hydrocephalus. It requires a surgically inserted shunt to drain excess fluid in the brain.
But there is a whole community of people this condition has touched who are willing to offer education and support. The members of this community will validate how scary it is that this precious child could deal with one more surgery without a parent by his side — without YOU by his side. The Hydrocephalus Association, which has national and local chapters dedicated to research and outreach, quickly became a part of our team.
As we learned more about hydrocephalus, we reached out to our local schools to figure out what services would be available for our special needs student and English-language learner.
Adoptees and their families helped us to wrap our heads around what it would be like for him as an international, transracial adoptee. The Adopted Life was a great starting point. Our biggest takeaways: adoptive parents are not saviors; the journey belongs to the adoptee, not the adopters.
Our friends who live with disabilities helped to deepen our awareness of the ways in which they are limited, not by their bodies, but by the lack of access to basic activities or resources (the Parenting on Wheels blog, authored by another alum of the college Michelle and I attended, was a tremendous help). We also compiled a list of camps and activities serving kids with different abilities. As an active family, we wanted a plan for getting Mark in on the fun.
In the fall of 2019, we were ready to apply to a placement agency when we found Mark’s file on an advocacy site called Rainbow Kids.
He was ready, too.
Once we had Mark’s official file, we received informal and formal medical reviews from experts in pediatric neurosurgery and international adoption. We can’t share the specifics here, but I can say that the consensus is that while the brain is unpredictable and you can’t know everything for certain until he is home, Mark is doing remarkably well for what he has been through. Though I certainly don’t mean to minimize what he’ll need to reach his full potential, there are teams of medical professionals well-equipped to coach his parents and make a game plan.
I have to mention finances. It’s annoying to me, because I object in principle to the fact that money would stand in the way of willing and able families, but the reality is, it does.
My answer for this is: spreadsheets. I have spreadsheets for planning and tracking adoption expenses. I have spreadsheets for available grants: some faith-based, some secular, all aimed at helping these kids. If you’re ready to start this race, they’re all yours. I also found that insurance companies, as infuriating as they may be, will answer some incredibly specific hypotheticals with citations to the page and paragraph of their policies. And, when their answer isn’t satisfactory, I’ve learned from folks already on this adventure that your PTs and OTs know how to navigate this challenging course.
I want to pause here. I want you to look at the information I sketched out above and understand that this is just the notes. But I promise, we are on board to share all we are able to with you and point you in the right directions. If, like me, you saw Mark’s face and felt your heart grow to accommodate him, start racing now.
What comes next is more about us than about him. I offer it only in case there is anyone who has read this far and is curious about why we are calling on you to start racing to Mark. It’s not what we envisioned, but our long race must now become a relay.
Adoption agencies have teams of experienced professionals who review each child’s file and the prospective family to look out for the best interest of the child. Some of those organizations told us up front that they would not consider our family for Mark because he is older than our oldest child, who is 6 years old (what is known as an out-of-birth order adoption). Our social workers talked with us at length and included us in support groups to discuss the challenges of adopting an older child with special needs that would disrupt the birth order in our family. Ultimately, the professionals we worked with told us that they didn’t feel comfortable approving our family to match with Mark’s needs.
We don’t want to, but we have to hand off the baton here. You won’t be alone though. Mark already has so many fans. Family, friends, and former strangers have joined us along the route. They’ll be here to cheer you to the finish, and so will we.
Now go get our boy.
* “Mark” is the name he is listed under on Rainbow Kids (https://www.rainbowkids.com/). Although some of you reading this know him by his real name, we ask that you not use that on social media.
To learn more about Mark and to connect with Katie and the loads of photos, videos and resources she’s collected over the years, email info@michellecuthrell.com. Or simply ask your agency to pull this precious boy’s file from the shared list so you can review the formal file yourself.
#changemarksstory #changetheorphanstory