Today’s the day!
Though we’ve been posing as civilians for the last two and a half months of military terminal leave, today is the first day we are officially, on paper, recognized by the Army as “retired.”
And how quickly we have realized that out here in the real world, we’re definitely not in Kansas (or Alaska or Washington or any other place we’ve been stationed inside the safety and security of an organization that has told us exactly everything to do our entire adult lives) anymore.
In an effort to wrap our minds around this strange new world in which we live, Super-Spouse and I started a list of the biggest differences between our old and new lives.
Sweet military friends soon also about to enter the Twilight Zone, listen up so that you, too, are not shocked when your civilian friends don’t leave for work at 4 a.m.
Top 10 Shockers of Civilian Life
1. Taxes. Oh my cheesecake, Batman. Why does our civilian paycheck look like the last slice of pizza left after four ravenous boys have beaten me to it?! I realize this whole no-longer-traveling-to-a-combat-zone thing means that our paychecks earned during those periods are no longer tax-free, but truly, THIS HOUSE looks like a war zone on any given day. Uncle Sam, this should clearly count for SOMETHING.
2. Leave. Which is strangely called “vacation” in the real world, and which — hold onto your combat boots — can actually be scheduled by YOU and not be the unit that issues the two weeks of block leave time you are permitted to use for your chosen vacation within your permitted countries within your permitted parameters that adheres to any and all military rules! So if you want to make Aunt Edna’s 90th birthday party, you simply take the day off and GO. Our brains are still wrapping themselves around this mind-blowing concept.
3. Hours. “Long hours” in military life means, “You’ll know I was in bed because my side’s sheets will be ruffled when you wake up.” “Long hours” in the civilian world means, “I’ll still be home for dinner.” In fact, there will almost NEVER be a day you will be away longer than the minimum 12-to-16-hour day you worked your entire life long, and you, too, will quickly become civilianized and start believing that anything over 10 hours constitutes a “long day.”
4. Notice. In the military world, “notice” to train, leave, deploy or report to work comes in the form of a text that leaves dinners hot on tables and spouses tucking kiddos into bed ... sometimes for days, weeks or months at a time. “Notice” in the civilian world means you CHOOSE when you sign up to be on call … two months in advance.
5. Hobbies. Alert, alert, active duty military friends! Because it turns out that those things you once thought were your life’s “hobbies”— like camping, hiking, running and jumping out of planes — were actually just your JOB for 20 years. And now that your job no longer involves a parachute or exactly 16 hours a day or 365-days-a-year-including-nights-and-weekends-of-your-life, you now have margin for REAL hobbies. And no free planes at your disposal.
6. Travel perks. It’s amazing how quickly you move from being a platinum member at the military’s preferred hotel chain to getting dropped from the email list because you haven’t stayed in that hotel for more than a year. (Listen, ain’t nobody with four boys have money for lodging that doesn’t include unlimited breakfast and free wi-fi unless they want to do zero other things on vacation.)
7. Phone leashes. It turns out normal businesses don’t require you to be on call 24/7/365, and the two days per month you DO have to be on call mean that you pick up the phone and field medical questions from the comfort of your bathrobe in your family room maybe three times in 24 hours. And get this — if you’re not on call, you can TURN OFF YOUR PHONE! Like, with the power button and EVERYTHING! The sheer madness still has us in shock.
8. Chow halls. In the civilian world, they call them “dining halls” and “restaurants.” And sadly, you can’t buy an entire breakfast to feed a soldier who has spent the last two hours working out for $2.95.
9. Clothes. Out here in the civilian world, you actually have to buy them. And wear them. And iron them. And text your wife’s friend from across the country to pick them out and match them for you because you have never had to wear big boy clothes in your whole life and are not sure quite sure why fashion designers would call anything “wingtip shoes” if they didn’t also help you fly.
10. Healthcare. Hold the hot sauce, active duty friends, because tears of shock are about to seep from those sorry eyes. Because it turns out that out here in the civilian world, you can’t just flash your military ID to get five hours of physical/occupational/speech therapy per week for free and thousands of dollars of emergency surgery on the Army’s dime. There are now these things called CO-PAYS … and, wait for it, you have to PAY THEM every time you see a DOCTOR! I know, I know … this girl who spends her entire life in medical offices for four not-gentle boys is already crying into the cup of coffee she will no longer be able to afford in civilian life.
All you civilians who have been living this life since you started adulting, KUDOS! BRAVO! We are SO IMPRESSED by your lifelong contributions to things like healthcare and the I.R.S. while we have simply sucked the entire system dry!
We have so much more to learn from you as we clumsily wade through the waters of this crazy civilian life.
Thanks for your grace with us while we learn how to dress, speak in sentences that don’t involve acronyms and embrace your wild and wonderful practices of eating both breakfast AND dinner on the same continent with the entire family.
We’re not the brightest crayons in the box, but we can’t wait to spend the rest of forever learning how to splash color all over this wild and wonderful new adventure of civilian life.