It’s wedding season, and that means blushing brides are donning dresses they’ve dreamed of all their lives to marry grooms they can’t ever imagine fighting with in ceremonies and at reception halls where nothing could possibly go wrong.

It also means that little boys everywhere are fighting their adults to march ceremoniously down aisles to celebrate occasions they do not understand in itchy clothes they can’t wait to remove. (I’m sorry to spill the beans, brides, but I’d be lying if I told you that your ushers and ring bearers participated in your weddings for love. They’re primarily there because their parents made them. And for cake their parents have promised them if they make it to the other end of the aisle.) 

Saturday, as all three superheroes participated in the wedding of their much-loved cousin to their NEW cousin whom they all just adore, we got a peek behind the curtain. Because there’s an entire secret life that happens behind that Pinterest-perfect wedding party photo that brides frame on their walls for an entire married life to come. Those bowties don’t just show up without stains on them on their own! 

After wrangling three superheroes in wedding clothes by myself this weekend (Super-Spouse was, of course, gone), I decided to write a manual. For the love of all future parents of ring bearers.